Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
