woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
