I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
