I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
