I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
