You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
