Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
