What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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