now i know why i became what i already was.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
