I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
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If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
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You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
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