In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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