that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
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you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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