6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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