Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
