I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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