my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
