I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
