birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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