my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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