being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
