Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
