I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
