the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
