I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
