at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
