I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
