the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
