you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
