I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
The best revenge is premature balding
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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