You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
