I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
