I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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