sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
