i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
