Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
