you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
