Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Shame - the story of my life.
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