seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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