apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
