If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
