I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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