i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
