i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
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Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
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I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
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