We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.