I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
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What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
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Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.