my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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