It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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