Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
