My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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