Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
