I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
