Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
