the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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