Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Randomize
