if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
