the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
