Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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