I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
